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I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though.
Excessive consumption of alcohol seems like a good idea.
Why doesn’t a deli slicer just have a scale on it?
Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.
Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don`t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good.
Hey Guys! I havent seen you since last year!(;
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate.
Nothing says "under the thumb" like a joint Facebook account
Sometimes words are not enough. That`s why I always like to keep a baseball bat with me, just in case...
I`ll be back in five minutes. If I`m not, read this again :D
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets!
People who really love their jobs are annoying. Keep that sh!t to yourself.