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I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground, so I threw my fries on the ground too.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere.
I`m sticking to my guns ... I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
If someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
"I got this." Translated: I most certainly do not have this, but prepare to be thoroughly entertained.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
On your deathbed tell everyone "pray for me" then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says "pray harder next time."
i hope your life is as long and useful as this roll of toilet paper!!!
What do you mean I should be more productive? Do you think this cocktail made itself?
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate.
If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they`d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.
I`m a compulsive liar. Every thing I say is a lie. And that`s the truth.
Sometimes in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.