Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
One of my favorite discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
Talk to me long enough and you`ll realize why I`m single.
Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.
Cop cars should play the jaws theme song
Pretty soon you`ll be able to get married online, instead of saying "I do" you will have to click "I agree to these terms and conditions."
Alcohol doesn`t get people drunk, people get people drunk. Drunk people get other drunk people extra drunk.
They say you`ve got to spend money to make money. Feel like there`s some middle step I`ve been missing?
You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.
The voices in my head are not real, but they have good ideas.
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.