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I`m really easy to get along with, once people learn to worship me.
I dance like people wish they weren`t watching.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail.
Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
What if God is a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I`ll never hear the end of it.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I`m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Hitting the lotto is a sure way to stop hating on Mondays...
I’m on a forgotten-name basis with quite a lot of people.
“Star Wars” fans are very upset that the story line of the upcoming new “Star Wars” movie has been leaked. Apparently the movie starts with R2-D2, Chewbacca, and Han
on a scale of 1-10 how honest are you? I would say 10 but then i would be lying!
I`m returning these Gushers. They taste like sh!t. "Sir. Those are paintballs." Oh. I`m returning these paintballs. Someone ate a few.
I wish all my freckles would just mix into a tan.
Common sense has become so rare it should be classified as a superpower.