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Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
I´m (insert your name) BITCHES!!!! Deal with that.
I was on way home this morning when I seen an AA van pulled in and the driver was crying his eyes out. I thought to myself that guy is heading for a breakdown.
Hearing jokes is always 100 times funnier when you have water in your mouth.
Judging from my last 5 relationships I am convinced my heart is trying to kill me
Why even ask how my weekend was if you’re just going to interrupt me halfway through to say “Yeah, I saw your Facebook post.”
Merry Christmas (I apologize if you`re not Christian). Happy Hanukkah (I apologize if you`re not Jewish). Happy Holidays (I apologize if you`re not happy).
I hate when I`m about to hug somebody really sexy and my face hits the mirror!!
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
A real man should never wave faster than he says the word “hey”
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
All women have an hour glass figure – it’s just that they all tote around different amounts of sand.
I went frisbee golfing today. I didn`t get an ace, but I did hit a guy and that was just as satisfying.