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I wonder if angry people know about naps?
I’m sorry I’m late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.
Never judge a whiskey by its drinker.
It was awkward when she said, "And yet your feet are so big."
Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.
My wife thinks I`m at work. My boss thinks I`m home sick. These ducks think I`m awesome because I have the bread.
My Living Will says it`s okay to pull the plug on me, but I`d like them to at least try jiggling it a few times first.
If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
YouTube is so addicting, I click on a music video and next thing you know I`m watching how to make ice cream.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the “ABCs” in my head to remember which letter comes next.
Shot my first turkey today...scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome!
It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them,The police call it indecent exposure but whatever...
I hope daylight savings time doesnt throw me off my schedule of doing nothing.
most teens are switching to twitter instead of facebook. noone wants to get on facebook and catch dad pocking mom... if you kno what I mean;)