Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
If each day is a gift, I`d like to know where I can return Monday.
You really understand how drunk you are when you`re peeing...
When I grow up I´d like to be a "Retired Lottery Winner."
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk while it´s still snowing
My wife gives me sound advice. 99% sound. 1% advice.
The fridge is a clear example that what matters is what`s inside.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: "None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare."
Time to turn over a new leaf ... With my luck it’ll be poison ivy.
Unless you fell off the stairmaster and a barbell fell on your face... no one wants to hear about your workout.
When your running down the street on fire, people will get out of your way
hates when I´m singing along with the radio and the artist messes up the words!
Setting an alarm is how we ruin days that haven`t even started yet.
As I get older, I`ve learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I`m drunk.
If you step on someone`s foot, they open their mouth just like trash cans.
What I’m really looking for in a friend is loyalty. And a pool. Mainly just a pool.