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Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
If you knew what I considered to be my "best behavior" it`s doubtful you`d advise me to be "on it".
I`m hosting a wine tasting event in my home. Well, it`s not really an event. It`s just me and three bottles of wine. No one else is invited.
This rough sex would have been a lot better if I wasn`t alone.
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on? Asking for a friend.
I wonder how often I’ve narrowly avoided death without even noticing.
No one in my family has ever actually used the Olive Garden gift card. We just keep passing it down from generation to generation.
Ever notice that the first 10 seconds of a medical drug commercial is spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest basically daring you to take it?
My neighbors listen to some amazing music… whether they like it or not. ;)
The best part of winter coming is that all the bugs are rotting in hell where they belong.
Me: Mom...Dad. I`ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside
My anger management class pisses me off
People says nothing is imposible.. But i do nothing everyday!!
Why do people at home on TV have their pants on?
The problem with reality is that there’s no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.