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Two flies sit on a pile of poop. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I`m eating here."
When I die, I don`t want to go sober...
If you see anything posted from me that involves something normal or appropriate, it is not me. I believe I`ve been hacked.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension. The fact that I am dragging a body should be entirely irrelevant.
FYI: Push-up bras don`t actually help you do more push-ups :(
An arranged marriage is just another way of saying that your parents helped you get laid.
People say that marriage is a job...marriage is not a job, its a hobbie!! Dating while you`re married...that`s a job!!
Laziness: the habit of resting before you get tired.
Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently, security doesn`t appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.
My mom always said that I`d never find a man dumb enough to marry me. Well, I showed her...
The secret to success is in my bra.
If you ever need nothing I am here for you.
I`m combining Easter and April Fools day this year - I`m sending the kids out to look for eggs I haven`t hidden.
Knock knock Who`s there? Control Freak. Now you say "Control Freak who?"
It`s scientifically proven that stress is caused by giving a f*ck.