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I asked my girlfriend if she was ok with me buying her a ring. She said "nothing would make me happier!" So I got her nothing.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing
Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there.
Do NOT accept friend requests from Hormel Foods, it could be spam...
Is it wrong to swallow my multi-vitamin with a beer?
If I`ve learned anything from Facebook, it`s that you shouldn`t be learning on Facebook.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don`t know if they`re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
So I`m giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)
Whew! Thank you warning label I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. I ate a pizza.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn`t even apply for the job.
I was the only one that cared when Jimmy cracked corn.
The Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick. It`s about two women trying to kill each other over shoes.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.