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You look over-medicated. What`s your doctor`s name?
Right before I die, my last words will be, "I left a million dollars in the........
On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.
Does "Can I take your order?" sometimes mean "Let`s start a new life together" or am I reading too much into this?
I’m drinking while I work out…I call it Bacardio.
Your a$$ must be jealous everytime sh*t comes out of your mouth.
I suspects that whoever named that Icelandic volcano (Eyjafjallajokull) must have fallen asleep on their keyboard while thinking it up.
I’m not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.
Some people want a perfect relationship. I just want a cheeseburger that looks like the ones in commercials.
My head hurts, I think my horns are coming in...
this isn`t the status you`re looking for
In my experience, temporary insanity can last a long time.
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.
There’s a guy whose whole job is to find new places to hide the “close this ad” button.
Dating Tip: Find a partner with a compatible phone charger.