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It took dozens and dozens of flushes and a plunger, but my guinea pig`s funeral is finally over.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it`s like they had those babies for nothing.
Billy Ray Cyrus made a million dollars at a playgirl photo shoot. He just started taking his clothes off and they paid him to put them back on.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, "Do you know what tomorrow is?" and watch the panic set in.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they`re in the middle of a race.
I just became a professional Counterfeiter, I even have the certificates to prove it.
decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
Girls who don`t get naked when you`re drunk.. Explain yourselves.
Somehow I`m not nearly as overjoyed with this vegetable slicer as the woman on the infomercial was.
I’m hopelessly addicted to placebos ..I’d give them up, but it’d make no difference.
I`d take Cap`n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren`t on his hat.
Easy come, easy go describes my last 12 cases of beer and 17 relationships.
My business card is just a picture of me looking inside the fridge.
Me on New Years Eve: “I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.”
I`ve never been a fan of multi-tasking or quite frankly regular tasking.