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My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means he can eat anything off the floor if he waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
I hope I never have to run for my life. It wouldn’t end well.
As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I`m grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.
There are so many scams on the Internet now these days, but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them.
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I’m heading north to start a new life.
Success is like pregnancy, everyone congratulates you but no one knows how many times you`ve been screwed to get there.
Nothing gets me motivated for 10-15 seconds like a good inspirational quote.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
I am not as think as you drunk I am
You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and it’s cold.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
it`s friday o clock
I dream of a day when a mysterious hand will pop out of the screen and b!tch-slap you silly each time you post a boring or stupid status.
If you forget your hook-up’s name, just take them to Starbuck’s in the morning.
Get Dora and Boots on this missing plane case now, Dora solves the case everytime