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Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges, to stop the weirdos from following you.
One would have to assume that Amish chicks carve their own sex toys.
I had 3 happy meals today and none of them worked.
Whenever I start to hate my job I think about the camera crew who has to follow the Kardashian’s 24/7.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
That very akward moment when Shakirah`s hips lie!
"I like your tree`s earring." ... "That`s a tire swing."
My dog reminds me of my ex. She doesn`t pull her weight financially and she`s scared of the vacuum.
People who get out of the car and actually have a sit down meal inside McDonald`s scare me.
Any time you feel lonely, remember, its your fault nobody likes you.
I just burned 1200 calories.I forgot the pizza in the oven.
Finally realizing that Hotel California is about Facebook. “…you can check in anytime you like, but you can never leave…”
I`ve spent the past four years looking for my ex-wife`s killer, but no one will do it.
Tonight I`m playing hard to get off the sofa.
Don`t be afraid of a few extra pounds, fat people are much harder to kidnap.