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LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I`m going to need those back.
If you think people are stupid, randomly post "Happy Birthday" wishes on peoples FB page and see how many others tell them happy birthday.
!f yhu T@k yk d!$, then dont talk to me.
Don`t hate every single one of your friends yet? Get Facebook.
If I ever get real rich, I hope I`m not mean to poor people, like I am now.
My neighbours diary say`s I have boundary issues.
I eat bananas with a fork, so I don`t look gay.
My problem is that all food is comfort food
Looking forward to `Breaking Bad` merchandise. Especially the cook book.
90% of being a dad is yelling about doors being left open while the air conditioning is running.
So, you`re telling me that the Grammys aren`t cute little bags of cocaine?
I wish there was a room where we could go and see all the stuff we have ever lost.