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I need me a pretty girl with an ugly girl personality
It`s never your successful friends posting the inspirational quotes.
Just found out What the Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
My car broke down outside a massage parlor on today ... And again tomorrow.
I’m going to start telling girls that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that`s not a risk I`m willing to take.
People are always gonna talk about you, so you might as well give them something good to say.
As an adult, I’m not eating nearly as much ice cream as 10 year old me thought I would.
Life is so hard when you have twenty TV shows to watch.
It`s not that I CAN`T be good, it`s that I`m SOOOOO much better at being BAD!!!
How do we not have lightsabers yet? Its like scientists aren´t even trying.
hates when I´m singing along with the radio and the artist messes up the words!
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
"Sir your phone`s ringing." "Yeah, phones do that."
Is there really a need for constipation medicines and stool softeners in a world where burritos and tacos exist?