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When I was a kid they didn`t call it "Behavioral Disorders", They called it "Being a little brat".
They say you have real problems if you hear disembodied voices; fortunately all my imaginary friends have bodies.
I love it when I Google something I should know the answer to and find out 308 people are just as dumb as I am.
The best thing about falling down when you`re home alone is that you can just lie on the floor and take a nap.
People who say `expresso` instead of `espresso,` may I axe you to please stop? Thanx.
My sleep number is 151 ... Bacardi 151
When you can no long help someone, I can - said the coroner.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
I will never admit to my parents that I don’t believe in the Easter Bunny or Santa as long as I still get presents and candy.
I want one of those jobs where people ask, “Do you actually get paid for doing this?”
Come to think of it, I’ve never seen a taxi fill up at a gas station
They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away. Seems a bit far fetched to me.
The toughest part of a lesbian relationship is deciding who gets to be the one who`s always right.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
Burglars must love "My Family Stickers". They can wait in front of someone`s house, count the people that leave, and know if they have a dog or not...