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When people said they sleep like a baby, it`s because they do not have one.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
When you`re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don`t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
It’s like these fools at the gym have never seen someone with roller skates on the treadmill before.
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
No one ever said life was easy, but several people did say that you were.
My mother is the strongest woman I know. You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
no one is perfect thats why pencil have eraser
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it`s considered responsible. But if you do that with your gf, it`s called "cheating."
I don`t understand why people want a relationship when there`s pizza.
You trust me holding your child? Do you know how many iPhone screens I’ve cracked?
Played hide and seek today. I was winning until the cops let the K9 off of the leash.
Are you bored? Go to someone`s Facebook wall, Scroll down 4 months and like something.
Something tells me that girl with the word "Princess" tattooed on her neck isn`t really Royalty.
"kill it before it lays eggs" - is my standard suggestion to any problem