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I`m changing my voicemail greeting to: Please hang up and text me, thanks. ;)
I would like to say to all my 500+ facebook friends, that i love each and every one of you..except you number 371..your a real a@@hole!!
There’s a very short list of things you can have in your hand while running without looking crazy.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
I don’t know who decided that high heels were just for women but…GOOD CALL.
I hear voices ... and they don`t like you.
Anybody wanna go halfsies on an orgasm?
Today was about as much fun as a warm toilet seat in a public restroom!
A girl updated her facebook status saying: All men are dogs and I commented • Which breed is your dad?
Maybe one day a loooong time ago a kid decided to play hide and seek with his pet Bigfoot but just didn`t explain the game properly.
If I can’t act weird around you, I’m sorry we can’t be friends.
If Kanye didn`t sing "Gold Digger" while Kim walked down the aisle, I`m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding.
Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family?
And suddenly those annoying neighbors that leave their Christmas lights up all year long look like geniuses.