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It`s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
When I die, I want people to say, "That guy owed me a lot of money"
When I was growing up the TV was my nanny.
The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
99% of people in this world are stupid. Luckily I`m part of the other 5%.
Whenever someone says, "Have a good one." I always respond with, "I have a good one, I just wish it were longer."
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Some days should come with a warning label: This day is going to suck, bring alcohol.
I`ll be damned if after the 5 longest minutes of my life i am going to "allow to cool in microwave for 1 minute"!
Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I`m ready now.
I hate when I get to the office and there isn’t a smoking crater where the building is.
I don`t know why I even bother chewing corn.
When someone calls you a bitch just say a bitch is a dog, a dog barks, bark is on trees, trees are nature and nature is beautiful. thanks for the compliment ;)
Is it rude to put *vomits* under someone`s post ?