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Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him.
dear journal..im now the coolest kid in school....mom:SWEETIE THE CHESSCLUB IS HERE 4 U!!!
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out?
Just because I`m awake doesn`t mean I`m ready to do things
When I was growing up the TV was my nanny.
Coworker: What did you do this weekend? Me: Dug holes in the woods. And that is how you get people to shut up.
Updating my status in the car. Don’t worry, I’m in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.
Sometimes I like to take a roll of duct tape and use it to cover up all the Mondays on my desk calendar.
I`m always on the verge of running three miles, or drinking a bottle of Vodka
If your problem can`t be solved by me saying "damn" and nodding a lot, then you shouldn`t come to me for help.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.
I wish I could understand what women with big boobs are saying.
I am better off now than I was 4 beers ago...
I wish all these vegetarians would stop eating my food´s food!
I Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing