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Sometimes I get road rage standing in lines.
My age is very inappropriate for my behavior.
Roses are red, violets are blue, If i had a brick id throw it at you.
Pet stores should post "Chameleon" on empty reptile cages just to see how long people would stand and look.
Proposing to a woman isn’t like choosing a life-long business partner. It’s more like hiring your own boss.
I think about hiring a maid way too often for someone who has plenty of time to clean.
Next time a skinny bitch calls herself fat… I’m gonna agree with her.
Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church. Everyone looks at you in digust, but deep down inside they want some.
On Mondays I like to reply to all my bosses emails with `unsubscribe`
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they`re going to put you in one.
Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn`t want to go to in the first place.
I have high blood pressure, but my dogs don`t. So, from now on I`m only getting upset about squirrels and mailmen.
People who cook Hot Pockets in the oven, Where are you getting all this free time?
I`m hungry, but I`m not `cook something` hungry.
I think some people just log into Facebook just to send me game requests.