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Didnβt Selfie Sticks used to be called Friends?
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is?
I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was "I bet a cupcake wouldn`t have done this to me."
*Food hits floor* Little Germs: βLetβs get it!βKing Germ: βNo, we must wait 5 seconds!β
"He sure seems like a nice young man" is Grandma-speak for "I`d totally hit that."
Relationships are like bathrooms. I`m in them a lot longer than I need to be, probably cause I`m playing on my phone the whole time.
I can`t wait to get home and have make-up sex! ... I`ve been arguing all day with myself.
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the heck are you doing?
I was told that I had an alcohol problem, but I think me and Captain Morgan have it figured out..
Come on. Let`s all go and be happy in front of some miserable people
I woke up feeling strange this morning...I felt Rested and Relaxed so I immediately Googled my symptoms. Turns out I had a `Sleep in` Apparently it`s not harmful but may be addictive. . .
Do not put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely.
Mouth the word " vacuum" to a stranger & see what happens.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Kinda hard to believe not a single mutant at professor Xavierβs school had the power to heal a dudeβs legs.