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I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
These ramen noodles taste like payday is next Friday.
You do realize everyone can see your status right?
It`s never your successful friends posting the inspirational quotes.
This status is dedicated to whatever you’re ignoring in real life to read it.
The way dogs get excited when you throw a tennis ball is the way I feel about my first beer after work.
They say you need about 2000 calories a day. Ok, time to do math. 65 calories in one fluid ounce of Jack Daniel`s means i need 30 shots tonight.
The worst job to have right about now would be that of a realtor in Ferguson.
I`m a little stumped by this beer to pee volume ratio.
The well behaved rarely make history.
How can I be expected to make life choices when I still use my fingers to count?
I’m home alone. Time to start my concert.
Relationship Status: Very relieved socks can`t get pregnant.
Ain`t no sandwich when she`s gone.