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How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
Sometimes I`m completely inconsiderate to other peoples feelings. And other times I`m asleep.
The patience I have for my kids is directly proportional to the amount of people watching me.
My wife and I are dieting now… and by dieting, I mean we’re not telling each other about the junk food we eat.
Whenever I see people doing sign language, I assume they are discussing the best way to murder the rest of us and steal our ears.
I`ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this status is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
The way my kids act at Walmart, it`s just a matter of time before the security camera footage is a hit reality show!
I just let my mind wander, but it didn’t come back yet.
This haunted house sucks. It`s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad. Wait, I`m at work, sorry.
How many people actually tell everyone that you said Hi.
Make yourself indispensable at work by hiding everything.
If you don’t count any of my failures, I’m quite successful.
Spiderman is just another guy who ends up with sticky hands and covered in white stuff after being on the web.
I’m amazed by how quickly I forget what I’m doing.
3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.