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My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.
You’re not an easy person to like….I like that about you.
I can already tell this is going to be one of those days where I am not rich and famous.
What`s worse to have stuck in your head; a knife or All About That Bass?
Have you ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you´ve had?
The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
I`m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of sh!t, but she broke into someone`s house and just started eating their breakfast.
It turns out if you cry at the DMV they`ll let you take a second photo
I`m going to be the first person to land on the sun! I know what your thinking and thats why I will be going at night.
Boss just announced she is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.
I wish there was a room where we could go and see all the stuff we have ever lost.
popsicle sticks: $1. caramel: $3. onion: $1. watching ur kid bite into a caramel onion thinking its an apple: priceless.
Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you.
My chemistry teacher asked us what the heaviest metal was today. Apparently "Megadeath" was the wrong answer.