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I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people so where my tolerance level is at.
Just did 100 crunches. Crumbs everywhere.
If I could just make one thing very clear at this point ... I would.
People with multiple personalities should donate one of them to people who don’t have one.
Why do they ask you "Please press 1 for English, then put you with someone who`s accent is so thick you can`t understand them?
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible…but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell!
There’s been over 30 billion messages posted on Facebook, and yet most of us have never even talked to our neighbors.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
When I get to heaven, the first question I`m asking God is, why does my butt have more hair than my head?
I told my family that I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle…So, they got up, unplugged my computer, and threw out my wine.
When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.
I`m not lazy, I just rest before I get tired
My parents weren`t exercising all of those nights.
Man cannot live on bread alone ... hence beer and stuff.
If someone farts at a poker tournament, no one will ever know who did it.