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I’m having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it’s mostly grapes actually. Okay, all grapes. Fermented grapes. Ok, I’m having wine for dinner.
My sister told me I was not allowed to babysit anymore. Apparently the baby monitor is not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby`s ankle.
People are always much more interesting before you get to know them.
On a math test: 2+2 = ? Me: *Use calculator just in case
These ‘energy saving’ light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.
No matter how loud you crank the bass, it`s still a minivan.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
I`m not saying we should kill all the incompetent people. I`m simply suggesting we remove all the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out.
just watched my first full episode of jersey shore... #ashamed of new entertainment
Cop cars should play the jaws theme song
I really want to talk to you about how I don`t want to talk to you.
I`m so broke right now if anybody robbed me they`d just be practicing
Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?
hilarious
FYI: I`m never gonna tell the person I`m meeting up with that you said hi.