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When you`re trying to change the channel on the tv, and the remote starts ringing, you`re probably drunk.
Today`s secret word is "epic". When someone says the secret word scream real loud and punch them in the face.
Hair growing from my ears and nostrils doesn`t mean I`m getting old, right? Means I`m turning into a werewolf! Right?
I don`t eat a high fiber diet to be healthier, I eat so I`ll have to $hit more at work.
There should be a day in between Saturday and Sunday.
Very excited to announce I`m on the market and actively looking for someone new to make me miserable
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
When your wife`s in labour, never sneak a look at the business end; it`s like watching your favourite pub burn down.
Day 8. You should be thankful that I`m medicated
Wind chimes? I can`t see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what`d be nice? Noise.
I don`t think the guy below me understands how this works.
Show me on the back of your mini van window where your life went wrong.
My girlfriend isn`t much of a wrestler but you should see her box!!
Stay Calm, take a breath, and reload.
Friends are like boobs. Some are real, some are fake