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Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam`s ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.
Only thing harder than quitting cold turkey is quitting warm ham. It`s delicious.
When someone ask me... How are you?... I answer back... You mean in bed?
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why didn`t you text me? I`ll never call you back. Like, ever. You`d have better luck with a telegram.
If you`re going to be stupid, don`t do it on Facebook.
I think I could be a farmer. Except for the dirt, waking up early, wearing overalls and planting crops. But I wouldn’t mind driving a tractor around.
If everything goes as planned, tonight I shall drink myself beautiful.
I know you seen me continuously push the "close doors" button while you ran to the elevator. Now it`s just awkward
I hate it when you can’t find your phone because you left it someplace stupid like in the car or your non-dominant hand.
Wait till the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald`s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Leaving your window open for an hour and the cast from f*cking Bugs Life decided to start producing their second movie.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a complete loser.
You`re single? BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.. Yea me too.
My doctor is concerned about my high blood pressure. I told him, next time, don`t leave me sitting in the waiting room for two hours.
You`re right, vodka. This is the perfect time to use a hammer.