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I plan on getting "sidewalk nap" drunk tonight.
I`ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Miley Cyrus could never live in the kind of cold we`re having here. Can you imagine all the poles her tounge would get stuck to?
My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.
Based on how I react when the toast pops out of the toaster, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Judging from my last 5 relationships I am convinced my heart is trying to kill me
I`m leaving my body to science fiction
I can bench 250 lbs. And by that, I mean, I can sit myself down on a bench in a local park.
It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced “Haha, f*ck you!”.
I went to the doctor for a check up and he says I`m going to live. But I think he`s wrong and it`s just a matter of time.
YOU KNOW WHY!!!!!!!!!!
Being an adult is a lot like going to the vet. We`re all excited for the ride until we realize what it`s like where we`re going.
Did you know you can buy live lobsters? Anyway, can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she`ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.