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Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Plumbers should keep busy this week now that No Shave November is over..
When we give each other a thumbs up, it`s our way of mocking every other animal on earth.
So how old does a highway have to be before you tell him he`s adopted?
Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting. I nearly couldn`t finish my sandwich.
Haters gunna hate,potatoes gunna patate!!
Wow, I didn`t know my ex was into orgies until I saw the ad on Craig`s list I just posted.
No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that ‘take off my bra and make it appear out of my sleeve’ thing that girls do.
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow.
I’m not a sore loser ... thanks to Vicodin.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
Tip of the day: Don`t be a douche!