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Love makes the world go `round, but alcohol makes it spin.
Some people are normal. What an awful, boring existence that must be.
Love is when the guy who stocks the liquor knows your name.
No one has ever said, "You know what would make this even better? ... Turkey bacon."
I`d rather be in a relationship where no one wears the pants.
My give a damn is busted! Parts on backorder....
I wonder if dogs ever wake up in the morning and think "dear god please don`t take me jogging with you today"?
If two cannibals fight, does that make it a food fight?
Swearing releases stress and that`s just one of the f*cking reasons I do it.
Iām tired of chasing my dreams, I`m just going to ask them where their going and meet them there later.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
if your looking for love sorry to disappoint you im already in a relationship with fun and freedom. :-)
I think I have 10 inches of Global Warming on my driveway.
I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It`s useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non removable screws.
Why does the sound of the recliner opening always remind my wife the trash needs to be taken out?