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Why are people sad when potatoes can be cooked in like 200 ways?
Whenever I’m bored I stop a stranger and ask “where am I?” and whatever they say I runaway screaming “Hahaha I’m a genius! I can teleport!”
Guy asked me where a public phone was. I told him 1987.
Calling credit cards "a convenient alternative to cash" is like calling crystal meth a "diet substitute".
I have a pretty big ass, so when I half ass something you`re still getting something impressive.
One man`s girlfriend is another man`s password.
Random Thought: How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
Women`s logic: I went to buy a suit. But i saw a beautiful pair of shoes. So i bought this handbag.
Nobody cares what you`re gonna do in 2015. Now post some nudes.
I hate it when people hate me without even giving me a chance to give them a good reason to.
Bored, so I’m going to find a kid that looks like me and tell him I’m him from the future.
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie
I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn’t hear me call shotgun.
Word of the day is bishop: My aunt fell down the stairs and I had to pick the bishop.