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This beer tastes like future mistakes.
Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
Didn`t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
I won’t come to your party unless you have an animal I can spend the whole time hanging out with.
There really should be awards for getting out of bed.
I ate gummy bears and didn`t bite off their heads or make screaming noises as they entered my mouth and I think this means I`m an adult now.
The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.
The internet...turning cowards into tough guys daily.
My illusion of having the Force is crushed the minute the remote is slightly out of reach.
Hey sorry I’m late, I didn’t want to come.
Well, it`s easy to tell I`m single. It`s Saturday night and I`m at home updating my facebook status...
Buying someone flowers is kind of a weird idea. Like: Hey, these are for you, now watch them slowly die, because I love you.
I`m 50% sure this cross eyed guy is starring at my tits.
As I get older, I`ve learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I`m drunk.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you`ll be really far away from me with your motivational nonsense.