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Maybe I`m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
I’ve come to the realization that the trash goes out more than I do.
If Monday had a face... I`d punch it.
All things being considered......half of your friends are below average.
My sex tape would just be called Home Alone.
Women say they love a man in uniform but when i go clubbing in my McDonalds uniform none of them will talk to me....I`m confused
Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.
I`m opening a bar called The Office. You`re welcome guys. "Be home soon sweetie, I`m at The Office"
It`s called fall because everything is falling; leaves, temperature, bank account, gpa, motivation...
If you`re buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I`m sorry to tell you it`s not working
I`m the type of person who will throw away the manual and ponder for 3 hours "where the hell do I start"
I wish that just once, the clerk would just put the Monopoly money in the drawer and hand me a receipt
If we’re not supposed to eat late, then why is there a light in the fridge?
Can you shut up now?! Because talking to you sounds less appealing then playing leapfrog with unicorns.
Kid`s Choice Awards are a great reminder why children aren`t allowed to vote.