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My girlfriend says I talk while I sleep... but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
4 out of 5 dentists agree that 1 out of 5 dentists is just doing it for the attention.
I love slip on shoes because you can slip them off just as easy to hit stupid people with them.
My neighbors don`t appreciate it when I skip along the property line, singing "This Land is My Land."
Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, nudity, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
If you really loved your kids, you would teach them to say their alphabet forwards AND backwards. They`ll thank you later.
I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Most days the best thing about my job is that my chair spins
Sarcasm is wasted on the idiots who inspire it.
The best two kinds of beer in this world are....Cold & Free..
When I was growing up, I was taught to walk and talk and when I was grown, I was told to sit down and STFU!!!
You`re never too old to ride in a radio flyer wagon but apparently you can be too fat.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex...unless you`re fighting with your brother.
Sometimes I ask myself why do I stay up so late? Then I tell myself it`s none of my damn business.