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Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.
People of planet Earth, thank your gods that I`m not in charge of the red button.
On the bright side, I`m relieved we live in a society where we acknowledge that the people who make sandwiches are artists.
When my husband gives me shit for taking too long to get ready, I remind him that you never know when you`ll meet the man of your dreams.
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or sexier than you. That would be me.
I love nostalgia. Not sure what it means, but it reminds me of magical words from my childhood.
This girl next to me in class has a piece of tape over her laptop webcam. This can only mean she’s made some serious mistakes in her past…
I’m like a kid in a candy store. I can’t afford anything.
I was told today to look at my life from a different perspective. I`m lying on the floor now and the shit still looks f*cked up.
The Push Up ice cream company should just buy out Pringles and make all of our lives easier.
The best part about being over 40 is we did most of our stupid stuff before the internet.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar* *Snickers*
Some families are like Snickers Bars. Mostly sweet, with a few nuts!
If I keep hitting the treadmill like I do every night, in a few weeks maybe I`ll learn to turn on the light when I get up to pee in the dark
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides.