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If there’s one piece of advice I can give you it’s to marry someone who has a different favorite cereal than you so they wont eat all of yours.
If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.
FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don’t eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.
So far I`m 0 for 276 for walking around the block in hopes of finding a bag of money on the side of the road.
Thanks to the State Farm commercial now I want a Falcon.
It makes sense that animals pee on something to mark their territory. I mean if someone peed on something, most people would be like, "Eww, okay. That`s yours now."
I think I could be a farmer. Except for the dirt, waking up early, wearing overalls and planting crops. But I wouldn’t mind driving a tractor around.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea...
received a call saying that my son had been lying in school, and was being expelled. I don´t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar.
It`s funny how as you get older you relate more to the villains in Disney than the Princesses.
The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.
Ghetto Word of the Day: Window "Imma pay my baby mamma her child support. I just don’t know window".
My blood hound was just attacked by a Crip hound.
God: Is there anything else you need Adam? Adam: yes I want a Sandwich! God: Ok let`s create eve.
Note to Self: These Note to Selves don’t work.