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They say money can`t buy you happiness, but I`ve got a receipt from the liquor store telling a whole different story.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Sometimes, you can just tell it`s gonna be a "does not play well with others" kind of day.
Apparently sleeping your way to the top doesn`t mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.
I`m sorry I got salsa on your baby, and I`m extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip
Do handjobs from girls who speak sign language count as blowjobs
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
I slept on my neck funny and today I will be turning my whole body like Batman every time I have to look at something.
There`s a reason why natural disasters have female names.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two.
My Boss requested me on facebook. I was like "pssst". If only he knew all the sh*t I post about his ugly @$$.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don`t have a moon where I live.
Take time to reflect upon your day. Think of all the blessings you received, and everything you may be called to testify about :)))
We can land a rover on an asteroid, but they can`t make a can of shaving cream that doesn`t spill 1/10th of it`s contents after every use.