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This is my Facebook status. There are many like it but this one is mine.
Sometimes I just go to work for the free internet.
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what’s going on and there’s a lot of wine drinking.
If you guys could read my mind! It would be all like; " "
"Just Be yourself" is something I rarely hear from people who know me well.
Sleep is my drug, the bed my dealer, the alarm clock the police.
Is it just me, or that sea witch Ursula from the Little Mermaid inspired from a full blown flamboyant drag queen?
If you`re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Survival rule #1: Don`t go first.
I`m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn`t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Every snack you make, every meal you bake, every bite you take, I`ll be watching you. - Dog
One man’s potato is another man’s vodka.
Lies I`ll never stop telling: 1. I`d never put you in a home, mom. 2. It`s 6 inches long. 3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.
I thought kegels were like Jewish bagels
Went by the bank today and the female teller was flirting with me which was weird considering she saw my account balance.