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A zip line but from the sofa to the fridge
I miss being able to use the excuse "I wasn`t home when you called."
At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they`re empty.
Stop dwelling on the past and start f*cking up the future.
Bring donuts so your coworkers will like you. Cut them in half so they will hate you again.
Car sex is not fun...that tailpipe BURNS
There`s something I need to get off my chest: Darned Cheetos crumbs.
Since it is the day to give thanks, I would like to say once again...you`re welcome.
Everyone sends text like "good morning sunshine", so I texted "good morning solar eclipse" ... Yeah, don`t do that.
If he only wants you for your breasts, legs, and thighs; Send him to KFC by SIMO
In Canada, she`s Kilometery Cyrus.
My haters only have one advantage over me. They can kiss my a$$, I can`t.
My wife is driving me to drink. I hope she remembers to pick me up when I’m done.
I’m not single and I’m not committed… I’m simply on reserve for the one who deserves…
is sick and tired and tired of being sick and sick of being tired!