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Aging is inevitable, Maturing is optional.
Money can buy imitation happiness. Iām cool with that.
I started seeing this girl recently. She sometimes texts. Sometimes Whatsapps. Sometimes she emails. Sometimes she Facebooks. Im getting mixed messages.
Don`t just lay there... Move! Bounce! Do something!! ~ me, pleading with my hair
Anyone that tells you money is the root of all evil is f*cking broke.
Nothing screams DUI like wearing a really nice suit on a city bus.
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a video camera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Alcohol is like laxatives for constipated thoughts. The more you drink, the more sh!t that comes out your mouth.
Just found out my daughter`s super power is repeating what I`ve said about others as soon as she meets them.
God knew that there would be times that a single middle finger wouldn`t be enough.
A wasp just landed on my balls. Hardest decision of my life.
Sometimes, I don`t know how I`m going to get through the day. Then I remember: I have beers waiting for me at home. I can do this for them
I`ve decided that throughout the time period starting with Thanksgiving, continuing on to Christmas and ending on New Years Day, the term `Calories" regarding all food shall be referred to as "Deliciousness Points."
I think my phone has a Miley virus,It stopped twerking
I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I`ll get ripped in 15 minutes