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I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground, so I threw my fries on the ground too.
I try to avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they are in the middle of a race.
I’m classically trained in the art of Nintendo.
It`s so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way up!
You know what`s more miraculous than a video with a million view but no dislikes on YouTube? The detention sheet empty for my class.
This year for Lent I`m giving up hanging out with all the people who gave up drinking for Lent.
To clear a pop-up ad online, I was just forced to agree that "I don`t care about being healthy and smelling clean."
Walmart: the only place on Earth you can get a haircut, eye exam, ice cream sandwich, tires for your car, and witness a real life "what not to wear" episode.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would`ve been if he`d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Why can`t the ice cream man just get a freakin liquor license already
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
I look so young for my rage.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line.... *as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Wow, I haven`t seen you since the last time I wish I hadn`t seen you
Two can play that game...` -people who dont understand that`s how games usually work