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So if one was to type ‘idiot’ into Google, would your picture come up?
Last night I saw a documentary about beavers. Best dam show I ever watched.
So a year ago today I asked a really beautiful friend out on a date and today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
The best neighbors are the ones you never see.
Am I the only one who runs up on happy couples and yells, "How could you do this to me" and then runs off crying?
Oh look, it`s raining outside. I think I`ll go on Facebook and update all my friends that don`t have a window of their own.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
The whole purpose of vacationing is to make you appreciate knowing where the channels are at home.
The number one key to a successful marriage is alcoholism.
I wish the Microsoft Paperclip would just pop up when I’m making a questionable decision for my life.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
A guy at work calls me "Partner" and another guy calls me "Chief". Apparently we`re playing Cowboys and Indians and I`m a double agent.
We must STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under!
And then God said, "Seems unfair to have given man an extra limb so to balance it out I`ll give women the power over which to control it."
A recent study has found that woman who carry little extra weight live longer then the man who mention it