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I have thought a lot about it and I am thrilled to announce that I have decided to never die.
I wonder how long I can keep "eating for two" before people notice I`m not actually pregnant.
I like to keep my friends close, and my attractive friends even closer.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
The only time I`ve ever early to anything is when I`m dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.
My GPS says "time of arrival" ... I see "time to beat."
I know I`m an adult now, but I still hold out hope that money will fall out of every card I get.
My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
If pigs could fly, nobody would be eating chicken wings.
B!tch, please! You`re so fake, even barbie is jealous of you
It takes about 2.9 seconds for me to go from “this is the best day ever” to “I want to stab every person on planet Earth.”
I like to walk by a chick in slow motion so she thinks i`m the one
It`s spooky how many kids look like their owners.