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*Me washing my car* Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
In movies, do actors wear costume underwear? Or underwear from home? The whole thing is confusing. I don`t think I can keep watching movies
Happiness is the journey, not the destination, and when you reach your destination, ie; bottom of a beer, you must embark on a new journey, ie; get another beer........
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
No matter what the product, a good way to throw off an aggressive salesman is to interrupt him and ask, “Yes, but does it work on cats?”
Father: Earlier you used to call me papa but now dad, why? Daughter: Come on dad, calling you PAPA spoiles my lipstick.
Missed the gym yesterday.... That makes 11 years in a row.
Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to prevent me from savagely beating my coworkers with a keyboard.
I like to make up words just to keep my auto correct in check.
Warning: I just get weirder.
Found out today you cannot join a gym "just to watch".
I know exactly how a bomb technician feels when I try to open a cup of cherry mixed fruit without the juice spraying out.
Not sure what my spirit animal is, but I am sure it has rabies
When I wake up at night, I reach out to you, I love you not for what you look like, I love you for what you have inside - Me to my fridge
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.