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Nothing shuts my pie hole more than an actual pie.
Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other, it`s given me another reason to stare.
You’re going to make some cats very happy one day.
My wife is so annoying. "Do you think I`m sexy? Am I hot? How gorgeous am I? Do I have a nice ass?" I just want her to answer me.
I hate it when chicks wear pink camo. I`m like, "girl" where you hiding? Candyland?
Three guys walk into a bar. Two ended up with a concussion, the other needed 4 stitches.
Why do people say "nice to meet you" before I`ve even said anything? How do you know it`s nice to meet me? I`m an a$$hole.
Being an adult is a lot like going to the vet. We`re all excited for the ride until we realize what it`s like where we`re going.
Even if women came with an instructions manual men still wouldn`t read it.
I wasn`t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I really feel about you!
What do we want? An end to auto-correct errors! When do we want it? Cow! Sow! Bow! Tow! Duck this...
Noise cancelling toilets should be a thing.
You think you love your family but suddenly there`s three of you and one remaining slice of pizza.
That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto correct is like....`I`ve got nothing man.`
The person next to me just farted.. Does this mean my lungs are full of his poo particles -.-