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I told you I was trouble. You should have listened to me instead of staring at my boobs.
Guys... If the girl your getting down with doesn`t even have time to fake an orgasm..... It`s prob best you just make your sandwich
For a minute there, I thought I had just wasted 60 seconds...
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Just ONCE, I`d like to look deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
I have lost my mind and I am making no effort to look for it.
I said "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t." but the judge didn`t buy it.
Whew, good thing there`s a facebook petition for ending the shutdown, or else we`d be in real trouble.
I always hear people say that a dog is man`s best friend, but I don`t even have enemies who`ll look me dead in my face while taking a sh!t on my carpet.
Everyone sends text like "good morning sunshine", so I texted "good morning solar eclipse" ... Yeah, don`t do that.
Never look directly at the people having a sizzling plate of fajitas delivered to their table... It’s what they want.
Some days you just can`t get home to your liquor fast enough
Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
The Family Reunion went pretty good until they all figured out that I wasn`t related to any of them
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke