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I`m trying to be healthy and grow my own food but I can`t find any Twinkie seeds. :/
Relationships are like yard sales... They look good from a distance but you get there & realize its just a bunch of sh!t you dont need.
You can look at some people and instantly know they’re only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.
I hide from people too, so I get it bigfoot, I get it.
"Lazy" is a strong word. I prefer to call it selective participation.
My New Year`s resolution was to lose 15 lbs by the middle of February. I have 20 lbs. to go.
What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer, & a pregnant girl have in common? In each scenario, there`s a dumb guy who didn`t take it out in time.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I`m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
It’s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they`re dead
Paused Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can`t watch Breaking Bad.
Judging by all of the cologne and shower sets I got for Christmas either people know I like to smell good or I am failing at it.
The lady next to me in the elevator told me to press One. That was the last thing I remembered
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Never resist a mad impulse to do something nice for me.