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I need to unbutton my pants just thinking about how much I’m going to eat this week.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I`m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Tomorrow, history will be made. Months and months of advertisements and anticipation has led up to this historic day. America will see firsthand what is surely to be a historic event, and I am proud to say I will do my part and pick up my copy of Halo 4.
Olive Garden says “When you’re here you’re family”, how could they expect me NOT to think I’m entitled to a free meal.
When all else fails… Pizza & Beer.
My co workers put cookies on my desk, like they`re leaving a sacrifice for an angry god.
So....if the cup is only half full....I suggest buying a smaller bra
What idiot decided to call them marijuana dispensaries and not grass stations?
The only difference between doggy style and reverse cowgirl is who wants to watch the TV more.
Not every flower can say love...but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst...but a cactus did. Not every idiot can read, but look at you go!!!! lol
Why isn`t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
I`ve found the most effective way to get an attractive guy to fall for me is by simply using my charm... and then a stun gun.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theater but they won’t let me use their microwave.
You lost your phone and it`s on silent? Too bad. If you liked it then you should`ve put a ring on it.
I quit beer every time I wake up hung over