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If you are hotter than me, wouldn’t that make me cooler than you.
I hate grocery shopping. That`s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I`m getting, but it sure is faster.
My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
Never take advice from someone more miserable than you are.
I forgot to make a resolution, so I`m pretty much going to just write out everything I did last night and add the word "stop" to the beginning.
I was an atheist, until I realized I was a sex god.
Male or female, no one f*cks with you if you put your lipstick on like The Joker.
When a man talks dirty to a woman it`s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man it`s $3.95 per minute.
I fell asleep at the wheel smh, time to turn Mario Kart off and go to bed.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
When I`m all out of alcohol...haha! Just kidding! I`d never let that scenario become a reality.
So who wants to tell the person who just threw a new phone book on my porch about the internet?
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because it happened. -Me, to my empty pizza box
Wouldn’t it be a smart idea? To make the sticky part on envelopes taste like chocolate?