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Just so you know, the movie "Life of Pi" has nothing to do with dessert.
Wow! Sit-Downs are way easier than Sit-Ups!
Halloween is the perfect time to redistribute those undesired condiment packets of ketchup, mustard, BBQ & soy sauce.
I have an oven with a "stop time" button. It´s probably meant to be "stop timer" but I don´t touch it, just in case.
My religious preference, is for you to steer clear of me with yours.
This sushi restaurant has the worst service. "Sir, this is an aquarium"
Just a friendly reminder, there are a minimum of three spiders in your room at all times. Goodnight...
Her: I love it when we finish each other`s Him: pancakes
How come there are never any restrooms in my dreams
The awkward moment when people think you`re drunk when in fact you`re just a blast naturally.
Note to Self: Wearing headphones do not make my farts silent.
Sorry I mispronounced your baby`s name you made up.
My coffee was so hot this morning it came along with an ugly friend.
You know that greener grass you see over there? You do realize it`s because they fertilize it with bullsh!t right?
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late