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When riding in an elevator, be sure to push all the buttons. Your fellow riders will appreciate the fact that you thought of everyone.
I`m not saying not to trust the Internet, but there is an alarming discrepancy between the number of iPads I`ve won and the number of iPads I own.
People that chew gum and drink alcohol what the f*ck is wrong with you.
People say that marriage is a job...marriage is not a job, its a hobbie!! Dating while you`re married...that`s a job!!
You are wasting your time reading this status.
It`s 2014, people. Isn`t it about time we put an end to all this `wake up in the morning and go to work` nonsense?
Whenever I weigh myself, I always subtract 10 pounds. I don`t think boobs, brains, and an ass this fabulous should count against me.
When I was your age, we drank water straight out of the sink.
A lie is just a great story that someone ruined by telling the truth.
People who say, “Happy New Year” to you on the 4th of January are not really your friends.
Let`s share...you take the grenade and I`ll take the pin.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don`t think it`s weird when I have jam in my hair.
"Never go to bed angry" is the worst advice ever. I haven`t slept in a week!
I’m home alone. Time to start my concert.
I wish tanning beds could pop you out like a toaster when you`re finished.