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The larger the implants, the more likely she’ll be confused by a push/pull door.
Sunglasses: I don’t want to make awkward eye contact with certain people.
Went to the virgin islands, now they are just the islands.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Congratulations! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air: Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
Overwhelming scientific evidence suggests a startling number of people are capable of ignoring overwhelming scientific evidence.
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like “tiny doll feet scampering into the closet” because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that
People who live in bouncy castles shouldn’t throw darts.
When I grow up I wanna be a psychiatrist for the mentally insane...so i can find out what the hell is wrong with you people
Some of my friendships are bad for my liver.
Beautiful people are more beautiful when surrounded by ugly people
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Netflix basically has every movie, except for the ones I actually want to watch.
No matter how compelling and convincing the other person’s argument is, you can always win a debate by adding “yeah, but still” at the end.
Today I´m going to entertain the kids with a game of duct, duct, tape.