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Because of smart phones my thumbs now have biceps.
Last night I dreamed I was eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up in the morning, my pillow was gone...
Facebook would be much more interesting if they let you decide, which part of the body you wanna Poke.
Iām just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
Reality is for those who can`t handle alcohol
I bought one of the "Books for Dummies" for 50% off, but I needed help to figure out what the price was.
My favorite part of Summer is the booze. Coincidentally, that`s my favorite part of the other 3 seasons, too.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it`s like...I don`t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
I`m flattered that you took time out from your lack of a life to judge mine.
Johnny : Pull my finger Tommy : No Johnny: "Come Bro Do IT!!" Tommy : fine ... Johnny : *SNEEZE IN THE FACE*
I thought there`d be more sex during my sexual prime.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like `responsibility`
Just another day of not being rich and famous.
No really I`m fine, I have drugs and alcohol to block out reality, but thanks anyway...