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Sadly no matter how hard you try, you can`t mail a fart. Too bad though, because this would actually make paying Bills a lot more fun.
When I get home the first thing I`m going to do is rip my wife`s panties off. Because they`re too small and the elastic is killing me.
I`m pretty sure if someone broke into my house, my dog would just show them how much he likes to lick his balls
I just found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock,,,, people expect less of you.
I hate it when my fat makes me look fat.
My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.
Our sex was so good, the neighbors smoked after we finished.
If the world dosen`t end on the 21st, I sure do have a lot of MREs to gift wrap.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Bitch, you`re just like monday, nobody likes you -_-
I don’t care how loud I’m laughing, I’m having fun and you’re not.
I can’t believe that all these “single ladies in my area” want to meet me, must be due to all the “free Ipads” I’ve been winning.
I have heard of women that aren`t crazy, but I`ve also heard of Unicorns.
If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple `Thank you.` is all I need! Not all this `How did you get in my house?` business!
The new iPhone will have a finger print scanner. Or, in other words, Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world. I’m sure the people of NSA are dancing like little school girls right now.