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LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
And that`s when I realized, it wasn`t the hamburger who needed help, it was me
Every year new words are added onto the dictionary, yet no new positions are added to the karma sutra.
After 20 yrs of marriage, my best move is to clean something unexpectedly.
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until ALL the birds have gone South for the Winter.
I`m not really much of a plumber, but I have laid some pipe before.
Never let a medical procedure scare you. That`s what the bill is for.
My wife always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.
Summer needs to slow the hell down.
The last time I saw something as ugly as your face I pinned a tail on it.
Some things make you go hmm. Some things make you go ugh! I make you go "Did he really just say that?"
Give a man a fish and he`ll go to McDonald`s instead. Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald`s
Why doesn`t someone invent a clear toaster? Then you could see how toasted your toast is while it`s toasting.
Sometimes I feel like a semicolon. I don`t know where I belong.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, "When I was your age I didn`t believe in reincarnation either".