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If I work up the courage to tell you I love you...the least you can do is introduce yourself to me dammit.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
Wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? lol jk, there`s no pizza
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with pretty daughters do.
I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.
When ever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth and drink all the rum inside. It seems to help.
My exercise routine consists of doing diddly squats.
Yes, I talk to myself...Yes, I answer myself and Yes, I argue with myself....and the makeup sex is awesome.
hearing that Jesus loves you is very nice unless you`re in a Mexican prison
If you don’t already hate people, the mall is a great place to start.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Everyday I fall in love with you more and more. Except yesturday, yesturday you were pretty f*cking annoying.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you’re ignorant and make bad decisions.
A recent study has found that woman who carry little extra weight live longer then the man who mention it
Yo fellas, how did that “wow” comment you left on that girls Facebook picture play out?