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Got my friend a Starbucks gift card. 2 weeks later I get a call. They said hey Dean, u put any money on this Starbucks gift card. I said no it´s a gift card. That´s the beauty of it u can put as much money on it as u want.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" -- Girlfriends in the 17th century probably
Sometimes I take a bath because it’s hard to drink wine in the shower.
When I was your age, we drank water straight out of the sink.
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
It`s 2014 and somehow we still don`t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Make BIG mistakes in life. Those people are remembered forever. On Youtube.
I used to think I was overreacting. Now I realize it was a normal reaction to an abnormal amount of bullsh!t.
If it`s true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
Sometimes I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
"Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid."
I give up on life! I have better luck playing Monopoly...or Clue...