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Life is not a garden so quit being a hoe
Every day is a struggle between wanting to lose weight and wanting to eat my weight in pizza.
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough.
Hey you know what will go good with all that beer you just drank? Social media and a camera phone!
Olive Garden says “When you’re here you’re family”, how could they expect me NOT to think I’m entitled to a free meal.
People saying "Laugh my a$$ off" and still having an a$$ next time I see them is the reason I have trust issues.
If you haven`t used your fingers to "expand" a picture in a Magazine today, well then you`re not me.
I don`t quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don`t even like 15 people altogether in my life.
In terms of procrastination, I`ve had a very productive day.
I`m no expert, but I`m pretty sure a lot of economic problems could be solved by extending the McDonald`s breakfast menu back out to 11am.
An egg salad is really just a chicken salad that is really underdone.
What am I taking to the Family Thanksgiving feast? Tupperware.
I`ll be back in five minutes. If I`m not, read this again :D
Missing my childhood super-powers, when I could sleep on the couch and wake up in bed.
We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… After I finish laughing.