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They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that`s why I surround myself with lazy people
Your family tree has a couple of coconuts
Don`t play stupid with me! I`m better at it.
Now it`s too hot to take down the outdoor Christmas lights.
Remember ladies, if on your 10th selfie you don’t have the perfect one to post you’re really just ugly.
I just scrolled so far back on Facebook`s Timeline... I wound up back over on MySpace. :(
I do 5 sit-ups every morning. No, it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can press the snooze button.
"Cannot connect to network. Reset your wireless router." "Umm, okay, but what if my router is in my neighbour`s house? Should I call him?"
I hate it when people are holding a device capable of using google and they ask me stupid questions.
Apparently, when people say "I could use a hand" it doesn`t mean they want to get slapped in the face.
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. “Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you.”
Hey ladies who complain about falling in when we leave the toilet seat up; how about you first check if the runway is there before you bring the plane down.
I don`t know what`s longer, a treadmill minute or a microwave minute.
I can`t afford to go on vacation these days,so I just drink until I don`t know where the duck I am or how I got there.
Anyone know how much snow is too much snow not to go to the liquor store?