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I don`t know what everyone`s complaining about. The economy looks great from my parents` basement.
I`m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don`t want to hang out with you now but I`m still proud...
The ‘poke’ button on Facebook should be replaced with a ‘slap’ button.
Do bees even have knees?
Going on a dangerous assignment. If I don`t come back, can someone please tell my girlfriend that I always found her laugh really annoying. Thanks.
I pretend I don`t care but deep down I really still don`t care.
Now I lay me down to sleep, a bottle of vodka at my feet, if I should die before I wake, tell my friends I drank it straight.
I`ll call it a smartphone the day I yell "Where`s my phone?" and it yells "Down here! In the couch cushions!"
My mother might be right.. I was the reason someone invented birth control.
My living room is pretty much a fat camp without rules.
Uses for the plastic ruler..... 5% to draw stright lines 95 % to hit people.
I am upping my standards.. so up yours!
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed a bottle of food coloring. The doctor says I`m OK, but I feel like I`ve dyed a little inside.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they´re going to be when you kill them.
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.